wandering exploring writing

Porn Is For Speed Demons

Of COURSE I’m not looking at porn on the internet! Who do you think I am? I don’t do things like that!

Okay, I’m thrilled to have internet service while visiting my parents…don’t get me wrong. I really don’t mean for this to sound like a complaining post, but more of an observational one.

I’m managing to connect at a whopping 26.4 Kbps. I believe their ISP supports up to 56 Kpbs. My internal mode, I’d imagine is that, considering it’s new. For ages they’ve had a 33.6 in their own system and my brother, my computer guru has advised them not to upgrade to a 56 because they’re not coming anywhere near 33.6, let alone worrying about anything higher.

My parents think the speed issue is that their phones lines are from the 1940’s. They also say that when it rains, they’re lucky to get ANY internet connection and that for a few days, even speaking on the telephone lines isn’t great – all crackly and such. I don’t believe a call to the phone company will fix anything, either…the lines are buried and from before either of them were born. What is the phone company going to do? Replace the lines? Not bloody likely.

So…I sign on to the internet once, maybe twice a day to retrieve e-mail and try to keep up on my regular sites. I didn’t think that I was visiting any graphic intensive sites until just now…and I still don’t think they’re THAT intensive. I read my regular news from www.canoe.ca. It’s a Canadian news source. It gives me world news, entertainment, sports, stocks, etc. with a Canadian slant. I like Canoe. I didn’t really notice how many pictures come up on their site until today. There’s a photo or two to accompany almost every news story and on the main page – watch out – they’re selling the news stories with pictures!

I sit…I wait while basic information is download. I decide to check my e-mail while I’m waiting…oh God, that slows it all down even more. Sigh. I was downloading a PDF file – 700 odd K earlier this evening – an instruction manual for my parents’ television set because I can’t get the S-Video to work coming from the ThinkPad in order to watch a DVD. Anyway…that download took 10 minutes. 10 MINUTES! Imagine how much porn you could download in 10 minutes with a cable or other high-speed connection!

This connection works for my parents – they’re happy with it because it’s all that’s available and really, they don’t need much more. Sure, speed would be nice for them to have, but I doubt it would make that much of a difference in their lives. They simply accept that if they’re uploading photos that they’ve taken of people visiting, current construction projects or whatever, that they have to walk away and make dinner or go for a swim in the lake or something while it does it’s job. They’re retired. Things move at a slower pace.

Meanwhile, I’m probably going to be checking my news online less and maybe – get this – reading the morning paper they have delivered. It’s printed on paper with ink and you have to physically turn pages…how archaic. Maybe I’ll turn on the TV and try to find a news station in the three billion channels they have. Just how many channels do you really need to have Oprah on at the same time?

If anybody around here is addicted to internet porn, I wish them the best of luck. Remember ASCII art? Maybe someone should start an ASCII porn site to speed it all up. Don’t tell me…you’ve already done a search for it and have found a bunch of them. Unfortunately, I can’t do that because I’m downloading another PDF manual – 1.5MB. I think the estimated time it’s given me is “cook a turkey dinner”.


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